About me and my Job (Raising awareness - Explicit content!)

[FunTrucker_18]

Guys, I wanna tell you a bit about me, my job and the dark side of it.

First of all, many of you know, I'm a 27 year old dude, working as a train conductor for a private company here in Germany.
I'm a freshman and I love my job.

How did I choose this job?
Easy answer: My dream becoming an airline pilot was doomed because it's pretty difficult for a poor bastard like me to get money for flight school. Either you get adopted by rich parents or you do criminal stuff to get the coin. Some years ago, I was selling weed and had some bucks in that time, still: that's not an option.
So I was looking for an alternative and I thought: "Trains? It's somehow similar. Heavy machines, big speed, good pay."
So I went to my job consulter at the local Jobcenter (Part of the German social system) and she put everything in motion and I found myself at conductor school.
Hard time, lot of stuff to learn but it's worth it.

How's my job?
It's just great. Although it's mostly shift working, you'll get used to it. I'm driving modern, state of the art tech machines at higher speeds up to 160kp/h and you'll see some places, not the world but places in our region I never saw before. Colleagues are cool, ladies are pretty, workplace is clean and the best thing: Uniforms are not obligatory. I can wear my most fucked looking bandmerch shirts. People looking strangely at you when you enter your workplace through the cabin, as our MU's have no side doors for conductors. But I put my sunglasses on and I stroll along.
Before the schools closed due to the pandemic, I was making myself a name amongst students because I made some announcements via intercom. I wished them the best for their exams and so on. I even gave information on football matches. People like me and I feel it and that's a great feeling.

The dark side of my job?
There is a dark side, a very dark side about my job: Suicides.
Unfortunately, it's pretty common that some people get depressed during their life. Most people manage to get out of it, I've been there and I got out.
But some people unfortunately don't and let their sickness take control of their body and mind. They make the decision to die. They wanna end their suffering.
Here in Germany, death and suicide are a big taboo in society. And depressions tend to get worse because mass media portrays suicidal people as selfish and idiotic individuals who just act egoistic. Which is plain wrong. Although there are many Offers for suicidal people, many refuse to take them.
Especially men tend to commit suicide. Why? Easy: Our Conservative society tells them:

-Men don't cry
-Men have to be tough
-Soft men are fags
-Emotional men get crushed
-Gay men are pussies and whinerly individuals

So, men don't talk about their depression and this often leads to men commit suicide more often than women.

Anyway,
Some times ago, I was working a Saturday night shift. 4-5 people in a 250m train, rainy night. Around 3 am, I left a big station, signal and presignal gave me green with clearence for 100kp/h. I started driving, passed the next signal and presignal giving green and clearance "16" for 160kp/h so I pushed the lever further and reached my Vmax. Just about a moment later, a shadow appeared in the distance. A bit later I could clearly see a guy standing on the tracks, eyes closed, awaiting me to end his life.
I applied all available breaks and gave sand for a better grip but it was a lost cause. The guy suddenly disappeared from my view. Sound of a hit and strange sounds of bones getting crushed under steel wheels, blood hitting my windshield. While the train was still slowing down, I grabbed the internal phone and declared an emergency and ordered any moving thing in my vicinity to stop.
After the train stopped I started to realise what just happened. Controller called me for details. After that I pulled down my curtains, leaned back and lighted up a cigarette to calm down the nerves. A short time after, emergency services and fucking police arrived at the scene. Police did an alcohol test at once. Another reason to hate them.
After the bureaucratic pile of shit, the emergency manager escorted me away from the scene. Although firemen started to cover the front of the train, I still saw a messed pulp hanging from the coupler and coroners collecting body parts from the tracks. Firmen bringing in a kind of chalk powder to get rid of blood stains and human liquid.
One emergency dude drove me home and I fell into the arms of my girl. She brought me a beer and we talked about it for the rest of the night.
After I cleared out things with my company, they put me on vacation til the case is closed. So me and my girl went off to my sister for a couple of days. She also works as a conductor and her wife works in the management of her company. Yep, she's married to a woman. Pretty 2021, eh?
We drank and talked a lot about the case.
Anyways, I got some hours with our shrink as they are obligatory. After the shit is through, I definitely will return to my machine.

Conclusion:
If you are depressed or feel that way, please, talk to somebody. If you can't seek for help yourself, talk to a friend and seek help together.
And don't reject people who are depressed, give them a helping hand. People who are depressed are sick. They may gave the impression that they are selfish and egoistic but they act like this to protect themselves. They need help. I don't want more people to get stuck under my wheels.
Don't hurt somebody you love and don't hurt people who can't do shit in that situation.

Peace out!

[fatih301081]

Cok gecmis olsun (Get well soon)
Ich will und kann mir gar nicht vorstellen wie es ist so etwas zu erleben.
In solchen Fällen reden alle immer nur über den Toten aber ich glaube, niemand macht sich ernsthaft gedanken über den Zugführer der es miterlebt hat und sein ganzes Leben lang mit sich schleppen wird.

[I don't want to and can't even imagine what it's like to experience something like that.
In such cases everyone only talks about the dead person, but I don't think anyone gives any serious thought to the platoon leader who has seen it and who will be dragging his whole life with him.]

[bogdac]

You have my utmost respect and total sympathy. My son is a train driver, and one of my biggest fears is that the same thing that happened to you could befall him one of these days. Very best wishes,and take care mate.

[clear F1]

I think very few people are completely calm before they commit suicide. I think the majority of people want to live and want to be helped. I think it is important for those around us to realise how much that person wants to live and to understand how much they want to be helped.

[Arayas]

Well, it comes with territory. When i was 18, to avoid losing one year in mandatory military service (as it was back then) i tooked the exam for police school (also military enviroment, even today) and graduaded. Back home, having good graduation grades, i choosed traffic police, in my head, a nice and quiet job.
I don't want to say to you how many traffic accidents with casualties i was forced to investigate with high ranking traffic officers as main investigators, for 5 years in a row! And trust me, some of the victims were not just sitting in a car seat.
But, i got used to, i had no choice.
My best friend who got with me in police school got it way worst: he was directed to criminal forensic team and now he has more pictures with dead bodies than with his family. He's looking on them like he's looking to a glass of water, he got used too.
I admit its a shock, but get over it, think it this way...atleast the guy killed himself and that was it. I had a suicide case with a dude who killed himself (intentionaly) hitting his car at 130 km/h in a random car coming from the oposite direction. 2 adults and a kid died on spot without doing something wrong. So, shit hapends.
Think it was the idiot fault and get over it.

[Ronin]

Dear @Funtrucker_18
Thank you for being so open about your story.

It is always very difficult when you experience something like that in a job that you like so much. Sometimes people make wrong decisions than do things that bother a lot of others very much. Why they do this is always a good question. But it is often a cry for attention, because they do not receive it from the emergency services. Sometimes it is enough for a person to care about you and put a hand over your shoulder. You feel sometimes feel so powerless to do anything. But being there and listening is often enough.

And in this time with the Covid-19 measures and the lockdown, there are many people who become depressed, especially if you still have family or friends who need help, but who you cannot give enough because of all the limitations.
It may sound strange to some. But the very game that we all love, really gives me a good distraction from things that affect you personally and make you depressed. I am happy to play and share the game with the people in this community where some of them have really become friends of mine. I hope you will find these support within the community too.

Stay strong mate. If you want to talk, I always will to make time for you.

[FunTrucker_18]

Thanks, my friends. Yeah, most of us will get used to such things. My boss, a quite funny egghead from east germany, had 5 suicides and he can talk about it like it's his favorite food. Yeah, It's a shock but I think I will learn to live with it. I feel no guilt at all. Sounds rough but it is what it is.
Because I know: There is no room for a safe brake to avoid it.
Normally, we need about 1000-1500m to break with using about 0.5 bars of pressure.
Emergency breaking needs about 400-700m to break with the whole airtank pressure of 5 bar emptied completely. And in the moment I pull the break to emergency - everyone who is standing learns to fly
The average line of sight is about 300m from where I'm sitting. It's enough to see and read signals and enough time to start a regular break. But not enough to see a guy wanting to end his life.

@bogdac - I feel him. We were taught that the most important question is not: "Will it happen?", it's basically - "WHEN will it happen?"
@Arayas - The classical "Ghostrider" case, here in Germany it's often old people (+70 and older) taking the wrong turn on the Autobahn, but this kind of "extended" suicide is pretty rare.
@olaf28 - The pandemic fucks with all of us, I also flee myself often into ETS2, reminds me of better times. Open borders, no tests, no masks, no people dying cuz they can't breath anymore. It's a "perfect" world. Just you, your rig, hauling on your own.

[Doparow]

Hope u are well ladd after the whole situation :) @FunTrucker_18.

[FunTrucker_18]

Well, I'm doing better with every passing day and soon I will also return to my job and to mapping!

[BenganJ]

@FunTrucker_18

Good to see that you are on the road again!